Coping with grief through the holidays
Isn’t it unfortunate that while most of us experience grief around the holidays, we feel so acutely alone in it? Whether we are carrying more acute grief (e.g., the death of a loved one) or ambiguous grief (any grief that exists without seeming recognition or closure), seeking comfort can feel so hard. How do we admit that during the “most wonderful time of the year,” all we want to do is isolate, cry, or sleep our way through it?
When dealing with grief, there is no cure. And while this can sound alarming at first, let me suggest that this is a hopeful thing. Grief is a universal part of our human experience. Our grief exists where our love does. When we fully feel our grief and learn how to let it exist as a part of us, our capacity to be more fully ourselves and experience joy, love, and belonging increases. I believe learning how to carry our grief well is one of the most important tasks we have in life.
It would be insulting to your pain for me to give you a list of “Quick Fixes for Your Holiday Grief.” Especially since that list does not even exist (please, take away my license if I ever try to make one). Below, I give some advice for how to explore and co-exist with your grief as it surfaces during this season.
Acknowledge and validate your loss. So often, we are invalidated in our grief by those around us - even people who love us and mean well! Know that whatever your loss - no matter how big, small, invisible, or unique - is worth your attention. Name it and recognize it is real.
Journal about your grief. Make a list of things you have lost or will not have this year. Draw pictures of your grief. Write a poem. Creatively interacting with this part of you can open up new ways of understanding it.
Open up to safe and trusted loved ones about what you are feeling. We do not have to be alone in our loss. And when we are vulnerable with others, we open the door for them to do the same.
Pay attention to the feelings you have surrounding your grief. Are you angry towards it? Impatient? Embarrassed? Notice these feelings and ask them to step aside so that you can attend to your grief from a place of compassion, curiosity, and love.
It may be helpful to personify your grief in some way. Imagine it as a small animal, child, or other being inside of you. When you feel your grief arising, picture this form you’ve created and see if that helps you extend care to it.
Sometimes our grief will tell us what it looks like. Do this exercise with caution and stop if it feels too tender! Close your eyes and feel your grief. Try to locate it in your body. Try to see if it has any of the following: shape, texture, color, size, etc. Ask the grief how old it is. Perhaps it is a child that is frozen in past pain. Take all of this information as data to be curious about and help you understand your grief.
Let yourself feel your grief. Know that the ony way out of it is through it. Pushing the grief away will only make it worse. Ask the grief what it needs. Does it want to cry? Scream? Eat a warm meal? Give this part of yourself the love and care it deserves.
Conversely, you do not have to stay in your grief forever. Sometimes, attending to grief will make it subside. Other times, it may want to hold on longer than is helpful. Just like your grief is a part of you, so are many other things. You can help your grief step down a bit by reminding it you will not abandon it and asking it to make way for other things, like work, family, exercise, or play. It does not have to predominate your internal world all the time to be comforted.
Remember, the goal is never to make your grief go away or fix it. You are learning how to live with it for the rest of your life as it evolves and shifts as life goes on.
May you find a way to live with your grief in a way that makes you feel even more human this holiday season. Be kind to yourself as you embark on this journey and know there is no “right” way to do it. If you are trying, you are on your way.
Written By: Katlyn Chambers
